You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
