do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
