Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
