He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
