My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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