Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
