you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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