Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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