Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Pants are for mortals
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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