Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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