Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
