how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
