ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
