I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
