You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
