Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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