My sheets look like a crime scene.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
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he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
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Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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