and she was petting her beer can
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Acid is not a monday night drug
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
