last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
