remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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