So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
