if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
