I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How does one acquire holy water?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
