I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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