I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
