please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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