my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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