you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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