You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
