I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
