Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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