Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
