There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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