So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
