i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
