Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
