and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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