Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
