the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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