It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
