I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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