you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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