my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
