Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.