I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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