My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize