so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
