youre lurking in front of me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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