I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
