I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
