I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
