yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
