My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
