I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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