Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
