note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
