The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
