There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
