You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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