My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
