turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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