i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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